No Excuses

The day will come when I am no longer able to care for the Pwd. I know that.  What I don’t know are what the circumstances will be that will bring that about nor when. It may be that the Pwd makes great strides forward and is able to have a level of independence that, we are told, is unlikely. It could be decades away when I am a pensioner and cannot keep up. It may just be a few short years if certain behaviour towards me continues and he is much bigger and stronger than I can manage.

Admitting that I am not up to the job of being my boy’s full time mum will break my heart. Even thinking about it brings anguish and tears. As things are, here in the UK, support is better than in other nations but still inadequate. Our personal support network as a family is flimsy at its strongest point. I do not expect that to change. The other constant is my love for my little man and though I don’t believe that anyone could love him more than I do (or any mum loves her boy more than I love mine!) I am not so vain as to believe that I am the only person capable of caring for him, meeting his physical, emotional and intellectual needs.

Mostly, I am an adequate mother. Sometimes I fall far short of even that. There are times when tiredness gets in your bones in the same way that damp seeps through abandoned buildings. That’s not an excuse for the occasions when I’ve lost my temper and howled right back at a screaming Pwd. There isn’t an excuse. Exhaustion, lack of services, lack of support can wear you down. They are not justifications for murder. The parents who know when to stop parenting and hand their child over to someone or people who can take on that role have not failed their children. They and their children deserve compassion. I may be one of those parents one day.

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23 Comments

      1. You’ve done for him all along, you’ll do for him then. Doesn’t mean it will be easy. You’re brave to face reality and speak up. Thank you. I hope you’re heard by many.

  1. You are an awesome mum and I will be with you for support in whatever decisions you and indeed I will have to make with our special boys. Big hugs x

  2. You are a great parent because of your perceived faults, not in spite of them. Why? Because you admit that you’re not perfect. You don’t inflict things on Pwd and then rage about being a “Warrior Mommy” who has “special ways of knowing”. You don’t claim to be above criticism, or to be the ultimate authority on autism/parenting/In the Night Garden because “[Your] life is HARD!”

    You’re the best Mam that Pwd could have because you adore him, and see that his autism is as much a part of him as those sparkly eyes of his. You don’t wail to anyone in sight about him being “broken” or “damaged”, or not the “real” Pwd.

    If you have to say one day “No more, I need help” then you’ll still be helping him move on with all of the things you’ve given him intact. You’ll have given him the best foundation to be out there without you. He’ll have a better shot than then the poor little buggers who’ve been told how they’re changelings put in place by MMR, who’ve been filled with bleach and biomeddled with.

    You’re the best Mam Pwd could have, and I am sure he’d never begrudge you the odd lapse into exhausted shouting or frustrated tears.

    Admitting that he might need more than you can give and acting on that is an act of pure love, especially given that there are apparently throngs of people willing to criticise you for that, yet applaud you for murder and abuse.

    Thank you for baring your soul like this. We need more honesty and openness, and you’ve got the guts to do it instead of hiding behind platitudes.

      1. The hugest of hugs from me and the Other Mrs elburto.

        Now dry those tears and self-medicate with some lovely chocolate or something!

        You’re fabulous, never forget that.

      2. Tea? Diet? I’m crying now!

        I’ll have some for you later. Tesco just keep bringing the stuff! *ahem*

  3. I’m so moved by your advocacy on behalf of Pwd and all the Pwds out there, my dear Autismum.

    No, we aren’t perfect We get frustrated and angry, but having a special child and seeing his antics and watching him develop seems to make up for those frustrating times. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart.

    Hugs, lilady

  4. Hugs. This takes so much self-awareness, so much compassion and so much LOGIC – something too many lack. It all makes perfect sense and the loving mama you so are knows what the best options are for your child. It is so clear that you do.

    1. Thank you so much. I felt I was
      Going to upset a lot of people with this post but it’s turned out rather differently so far xx

  5. What can I say? You almost made me cry. Sending you and your wonderful little boy lots of love, (Sounds a bit weird. You don’t even know me, but I mean it).

  6. Thank you for this post. You are so right, Somebody being Autistic is no excuse to murder them. If a child was killed because they were of a different race to the mother, then everybody would be up in arms, blaming the BNP and the EDL for their promotion of racism. But if the child is of a different neurology, then the murderous parent (or guardian) is always given sympathy and rarely prosecuted, and nobody thinks to blame Autism Speaks and the National Autism Association for their promotion of harmful ideas about Autistic people.

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